


My Funny Valentine

by Jessica_not_Jones



Series: Siren Song [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, M/M, Valentine's Day, mermaid au, siren au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 16:33:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13685496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessica_not_Jones/pseuds/Jessica_not_Jones
Summary: Dick and Wally get married, but someone has plans for them that they don't know about.THIS WILL MAKE NO SENSE OUT OF CONTEXT SO PLEASE READ Kiss Me, Take My Breath Away





	My Funny Valentine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [owls_and_horses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/owls_and_horses/gifts).



> Happy Valentines Guys!!!❤️️

Tim sat on the floor with a sigh. He didn’t care how many fancy guests his dads had invited, the wedding was _finally_ fucking over. He and Clark had been in charge of arranging Wally and Dick’s wedding, and it was the most hectic day of his life.

 

The place looked spectacular of course; a beachside wedding with beautiful scenery and handmade flower arrangements, with the whole thing in a blue and gold color scheme. It had cost thousands of dollars to bring everything from the gold satin napkins to the literal hundreds of blue kauai flowers for the event, but Dick had smiled bright enough to rival the sun when he walked down the aisle in his navy wedding tux and a silver scaled pattern pocket square as an inside joke.

 

Wally had been shaking the whole time, but Bruce had calmed him down somehow and talked to him about his wedding and how he’d loved the whole experience so much, and showed his and Clark’s matching rings with the ‘S’ on it that commemorated their marriage. The sailor put a comforting arm on the redhead’s shoulder, straightened his red and gold bowtie, and smiled at him.

 

The ceremony wasn’t even half as bad as Wally and Tim thought it would be.

 

They’d invited a concoction of guests from all over the place- sirens, mermaids, humans, lawyers (yes those snakes got a category of their own in Gotham) and friends- who didn’t necessarily mix well.

 

The real question was _who the hell gets married on Valentine’s Day?_

 

The teenager loosens his tie, and Clark pats him comfortingly on the head.

 

“It’s alright son, it’s over. I think Conner is waiting for you.”

 

Tim’s head snaps up, and he sees his boyfriend over by the archway with a smile on his face and a bouquet in his hand. He runs over and the taller boy gets mere seconds to drop the flowers and catch him, spinning him around and kissing him.

 

“Oh thank Triton, I am so happy to see you. This was the worst day ever!”

 

“You do realize your brother got married today right?”

 

“Yeah, that’s great when you’re not a co-planner.”

  


Setting up the seating had been a mess.

 

Mermaids wouldn’t sit next to sirens, sirens couldn’t sit next to humans and friends shouldn’t sit near mermaids. It was so ridiculous, especially because some of the mermaids couldn’t walk that well on legs so they looked drunk even before the damn drinks were served.

 

Arthur’s wife didn’t take to kindly to him being at the wedding in the first place, and Clark and Jason had to be muscle for hire to get rid of her before she crashed the fucking reception to prevent ‘royalty fraternizing with scum’.

 

The menu had also suffered some last minute changes that he certainly had not approved, and now they had double the amount of oysters he’d ordered, all the cakes and snacks were mostly chocolate, vanilla or cinnamon when he was sure they’d asked for red velvet and strawberry, and the vegetables on the side platters were heavy handed on the …. Asparagus.

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“Tim, you okay babe?” Conner looks concernedly at his boyfriend who has that dangerous look in his eye. The look that tends to get him kicked out of the manor at two in the morning. He doesn’t really like that look.

 

“Someone is trying to get laid.” There it is. That glimmer of crazy passion that he’s terrified of. That smug grin that never means anything good. Conner is sweating lightly now.

 

“It’s Valentine’s Day, and a wedding. I’m pretty sure at least ten people here are going to get laid tonight, Tim.” He chuckles nervously and hopes his boyfriend isn’t scheming again.

 

“No, Conner this is different. I was pulling my hair out today because everything kept changing and I didn’t know why. Now it all makes sense. Someone is changing the plans around here to get someone laid.” Tim bites his lip in concentration. The other finds it distracting. It’s also getting a bit warm.

 

“You’re going to have to explain this to me a little better. I’m a bit slow on the uptake here wiseguy.”

 

“Okay, so there was a random set of menu changes, right? More oysters than we ordered, a change in the flavors on the dessert trays we asked for, and even the side dishes too. The catch, however, is that the ingredients used in exchange all have aphrodisiacal side effects on the body, Conner.”

 

“So wait..they’re trying to get people to get it on by using the menu?” His nose crinkles in confusion like a puppy.

 

“Essentially. There’s some other things that clicked into place too. Jason said the flower arrangements smelled funny… like toothpaste. I’m pretty sure mint is an aphrodisiac as well, so there must be mint oil in the pots or something. The candles must have been switched too, because those torches definitely do not smell like ocean breeze. It’s amazingly ingenious.”

 

“Wait, but who the hell changed all this stuff? Wouldn’t you need to have access to all this information?” It is definitely getting warmer. The boy feels like his shirt is clinging now, but he ignores it.

 

“Yes, but anyone in the house could have done it. We all contributed ideas to the wedding, and almost anyone could sign for the changes.”

 

“Then I guess we’re doing a witch hunt.”

  


-

 

The two of them questions almost everyone they can think of and Conner is looking rather flushed, almost sick.Then Bruce comes speed walking over, a strange occurrence, and asks them a question.

 

“Have either of you seen the silver platter Selina gave me for my 15th wedding anniversary? I left it out with some chilled oysters a while ago but it seems to have disappeared.”

 

Conner pauses.

 

“Did the oysters have paprika and blood orange with a green trim on the tray by any chance?”

 

“...Yes. Did you see it?”

 

“I may have eaten them while waiting for Tim.”

 

Bruce starts cursing rapidly.

 

“Dad, what’s wrong?”

 

“Those were for Dick.” He looks manic, and the son is worried.

 

“Can’t you make him another tray?” Tim sighs.

 

“Guys, is it getting hot in here? I feel _really warm_ . Like my stomach is _really tingly_.” Conner giggles, starting to lean heavily on his boyfriend.

 

“No, I can’t. You need to get him out of here, now.”

 

Tim’s eyes widen.

 

“It was you! You changed my wedding, didn’t you?”

 

“Now Tim, don’t be rash-”

 

“Dad! You changed my wedding! I know you put something in those oysters, so who is it?” The shorter boy is furious. Conner doesn’t even risk touching him.

 

“Who’s what, son?” Bruce is a good liar, but Tim knows all his tells.

 

“Who are you trying to get laid?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bruce looks nervous now, but he doesn’t look away.

 

Tim sighs. “Don’t make me do it.”

 

The siren doesn’t flinch. “Your powers won’t work on me. I’m your father.”

 

“Let’s see about that. Now, who are you trying to set up?” Tim’s eye glow gold, and Bruce feels the tug. He knows how Tim’s magic works, and he feels compelled to tell the truth. It’s not a good feeling. He struggles for a few seconds then spits.

 

“I was trying to get Wally and Dick together.”

 

Tim cocks his head to the side and his eyes soften.

 

“You know they’re married right?”

 

“Yes, but… I want grandchildren.”

 

Tim facepalms.

 

“So you tried to drug him? What did you put in there anyways? Arginine?”

 

“Siren blood.”

 

“Are you nuts?!?! Conner ate that! What’s going to happen to him?”

 

“He’ll be fine, just get him out of here.”

  


“Tim, you’re really hot. Or is that me? I’m really hot too… haha.” Conner whispers, blowing on the other’s ear.

 

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with him?”

 

“Do what teenagers do best.”

  


Tim flushes red as a beet. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. This conversation isn’t over. Stay away from Dick!” he says, dragging Conner to a car.

 

-

 

Bruce continues looking for Dick, but doesn’t find him.  

 

“Clark, baby have you seen Dick?”

 

“Oh no you don’t. Tim called all of us and told us what’s going on. You are staying far away from the newly weds right now. I'll excuse the food swaps on the premise of it being Valentine’s anyways.”

 

“But I want grandbabies, Clark!”

 

“You’re insane. We’re going for a walk.”

 

“Okay, fine.”

 

“...you put it in other foods didn’t you?”

 

“Of course. The drinks were laced, and the pie too.” The couple continue to walk, and Clark shakes his head in shame while Bruce grins maniacally.

 

“I always get what I want, Clark. Always.”

 

Jason, Roy and Damian are listening in on the conversation when the half siren turns to the others.

 

“Fifty bucks says Dick goes into heat by the end of the honeymoon.” Jason proposes, playing with a piece of metal and using his powers to make it move as though it was animate.

 

“Bet you a hundred, he only makes it halfway.” says Damian, finishing his drink.

 

“I’ll bet you both two hundred that he can’t walk straight by the time he comes back.” snides Roy with a wink.

“ A wager then,” says Alfred with a knowing look,“ I surmise they won’t be back for two weeks.”

 

The three of them look around in shock.

 

“The honeymoon is only four days.”

 

“I know. A bet then?”

 

The four of them meet eyes.

 

A collective response.

 

“Deal.”

 

-

 

Three weeks later, the couple reach back and Alfred hands over his money having already lost.

 

Clark gives them all the look of shame.

 

But then Damian starts sniffing. Like a dog.

 

“I knew it!”

 

“Knew what, kiddo?” asks Dick, moving his bangs out of his eyes and straightening his sweater.

 

“You’re pregnant!”

 

Dick blushes and tries to explain the news to everyone but Damian yells over the noise.

 

“I know this must be really exciting, but you three owe me money.”

 

“What?” asks Wally, looking confused. Damian continues talking like nothing happened.

 

“If he’s far enough along in the trimester that I can smell the baby, then he barely lasted half the honeymoon. All of you pay up.”

 

Roy hangs his head in defeat while he, Alfred and Jason grudgingly hand over the money.

 

“Alfred?!? You bet on me?”

 

“I would say I am sorry Master Dick, but I do so enjoy a good wager.”

 

Bruce sits in the back of the kitchen, and turns to Clark.

 

“What did I tell you?”

 

A sigh.

 

“You always get what you want.”

 

“Good, now we should go look into decorating the nursery and the water cavern. I’m having a grandbaby.”

 

Clark just smiles, because even if things go haywire, he’s married to one crazy but lovely siren and he's got a crazy but lovely family.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> There you have it, one crack Valentine's day piece of mess. Enjoy. Will probably edit this majorly later.


End file.
